(this was an essay I wrote for English Comp, it's kind of strange and depressing and not entirley true... eheh.)


FADE

Everything was very dark, like the coloring had faded. More than that had faded, all sense were dulled. My sense of time, place, and self had all faded, washed away. It didn't seem to matter, this was peaceful and nobody cared at all. There was no sound, only a stillness and everything was quiet as it faded away into darkness.
"Do you know where you live?" a dream-like voice asked.
"No."
"What's your name?" the voice questioned again. There was no depth or character to the sound, I wondered if it was really there.
"I don't know." I replied with squinted eyes and slurred words, not sure what I was saying. There was the slightest sensation of flight and my clothes were being cut off. "That's not cool, this is my favorite shirt" I thought to myself, "this is a strange dream." With that everything faded into darkness once again, another part of the dream would be repressed and forgotten. Colorless, formless, lifeless, there was a continued sensation of nothingness and nobody cared at all.
It started getting brighter with lightly colored greens and greys, people were moving around, at first only blurs in slow motion but the images became clearer. "Maybe this isn't a dream" I thought to myself "but what else could it be?" At that point my mind attempted to put thoughts and concepts together, but that was too much to ask of it at this time. That was ok, everything was peaceful, the senses of time, feeling, and reality are still blurred. The colors aren't right. The colors are fading again. Darkness.
"I'm going to give a four point ticket." a faceless voice said.
"What?" I mumbled.
"I could give you a five point ticket for reckless driving but it's only going to be a four point ticket" he said more clearly. He trailed off on something about my license not being valid in this state and then disappeared.
"Ok." I wasn't going to argue with him. I realized what had happened- or had I known all along? I didn't really care. Nobody cared at all. The temperature was warm and dulling as the background turned to black. It all faded back into a dream-like state.
I woke up to sunlight. I was in a hospital. My mother was there, I wasn't surprised by any of this at all. There was a stinging pain in the back of my head coupled with a sensation that I was still bleeding back there- what if the doctor's weren't able to stop the bleeding? I wasn't too concerned, in fact I was very apathetic to the whole scenario. I didn't worry about moving at all, it didn't seem right and I was content just to lie there, undiscovered in my daze. I then realized I couldn't move my neck, it didn't respond. Looking back on something like that - waking up in a hospital and not being able to move my neck -- it should have scared the hell out of me, but it didn't. It was just an excuse for me not to move. It seemed natural and I didn't give it a second thought.
Words were exchanged between my mother and I. Nothing memorable or profound but it was nice to talk to someone, a voice I recognized, a face I knew. Without asking she filled me on details of what had happened. I had lost control rounding a curve on Higby Road and 180'd into a tree.
"Higby Road? Where's that? Lost it on a curve? That doesn't sound like something I'd do." Rather than confusing myself dwelling on these questions and engaging in dialogue, I decided I didn't care and went to sleep. The following days were a bit of a blur. They were still in a dream-like state, but I knew the dream was a reality, I couldn't question that. Images were clearer, colors stood out, sounds were vibrant, and a sense of self became apparent. The dream was very real. Maybe I was hopped up on pain killers and morphine but the daze of the ordeal made my conscienceness in the hospital seem insignificant and unmemorable. My neck was very sore and unresponsive, but it didn't bother me. If I needed to lift my head up for something I'd just grab a big patch of hair in my hand and swing my head around like that, I didn't think much of it. I became aware of the stitches in my ear and staples above my forehead. I didn't know why they were there. My good friend from Missouri called. Some friends from work visited. I didn't know why. The food was pretty good.
By the second day I was moving a lot more, the pain in my head was subsiding, and I could move my neck without grabbing my head. So I left the hospital after 2 days. At least that's what someone told me, my sense of time was still skewed. Someone could have told me I'd been in there 2 weeks and that would have seemed about right. The trip home was unmemorable as were the days to follow, trite and insignificant. There was something tugging at the back of my aching head, questions unanswered.
And so I go back to that night in my head over and over again in hopes of answering simple questions- ultimately impossible questions. Back to that haze filled June evening, the skies darkened by forest fires. I'm at work in a call center when I get the news that Monument is on a standby evacuation for forest fires in the area. Having a lot of friends up there myself, I duck out of work early to help a co-worker living in the area pack her belongings. I spend the night packing boxes and running things here and there. My car doesn't carry too much luggage in the back, but everyone knows when you want it there fast call Justin. It's getting pretty late and I need to go to home after one more stop. There was some confusion and several phone calls for directions as it was a bit out of the way and I wasn't too familiar with the outskirts of Monument. It was about midnight when I finally got there and my friend Cammie met me outside. It was getting late, time to call it a night. I handed her the goods from her house. Cammie thanked me for coming out and patted me on the stomach. I remember her smile and look on her face, I was glad I could help out. Then it ends. The memory ends abruptly. Everything goes black.
I don't remember getting in the car or anything that followed, and no one ever will. Sure they can analyze the tires skid marks and measure the damage of the back by the impact and speculate that I was going 120 mph down Higby Road when I realized too late that the road curved- but that's only speculation.
So afterwards the days creep by and I appear to be in a downward spiral. I lose my job, am unable to pay bills and fines related to the accident, get in fights with my parents, and my cat bites me. That's how life is- it can change in a moment and the world won't care if you remember or not. It didn't occur to me until much later, passing time I can't recall, but everyday driving down the interstate or walking to school we flirt with death and someone’s world can be turned upside-down in the blink of an eye. I was never one afraid of change as I've moved around a lot and I even welcomed the change at times. This wasn't the same. Obviously I had a lot of time on my hands without a car and a job, and even if you're blessed with friends those days can be the loneliest someone can experience. It's the changes no one plans that can be frightening and confusing, the change you're unprepared for, when you feel like you're fading far away, straight out of it, and nobody cares at all.